Okay, okay, okay! I'm insecure.

Insecurity is my greatest weakness.

Whenever I'm insecure, I do stupid things. I say stupid crap and I think the worst thoughts about the people of my life. Last night I found myself saying I had a track record of liking girls who were nuts, when in reality (despite their issues - and who doesn't have those?) they were some of the nicest girls I've ever known (why'd you think I liked them?).

I eat too much whenever I'm insecure. I'm already overweight and adding to that isn't helping. I ate so much over spring break that whatever "diet" I had before that was totally negated.

I get lazy whenever I'm insecure. I have a list of things I could have done over spring break but, alas, some of them were not accomplished. Not that I didn't do anything, but there were some things I wish I could have done.

Insecurity exposes me as the self-inflated, self-centered creep that I really am. It exposes me as discontent and anxious, ungrateful and just plain stupid. I start believing the most "comforting" of the dissenting voices in my head, and most of the time it's what brings me down. I start resenting people who are not at fault, and in the process, unintentionally ruin my view of them. Any and all progress I have with my walk with Christ disintegrates whenever I'm insecure.

For some reason, I've been really insecure lately (ya think?). This has been going on for quite a while, so I know I've got a lot of things I need to deal with if I'm ever gonna move on.

Of being in the desert.

Just because it's the desert doesn't mean it's useless.

I'm reminded of the many encounters of Bible people in the desert, and the reasons God did so. Moses spent a third of his life in the desert because God wanted to humble him. The people of Israel spent 40 years in the desert so that the people who kept complaining would die off and a new generation of people would take the promised land. Elijah spent time in the desert so he could absolutely depend on God. John the Baptist spent his life in the desert to isolate and amplify his message of repentance.

Most of all, Jesus spent time in the desert to be tempted by Satan, and to overcome. I think He also did it to show that even the Son of God had to spend time there, so that those who would follow Him would know that He understood what being in the desert was like.

Stace tells me, "If you're in the desert, something's going to give. It's either God or you, and it's not going to be God."

If I am personally in the desert right now, I hope I emerge out of this victorious, with something I can pick up. If I am the desert, I pray that God would just revive and restore with the rain that He brings.

The calm of the arid desert.

It's been over a week since my last post, and lately I've just been uninspired. Usually I can tell if it's the uncertain calm before the storm, but today it feels more like a desert. Lifeless, awkward, penetrating and uninspiring.

I'm just going through a dry spell with things lately. This weekend I decided to let go of something really major in my life. Things I have desperately tried to keep alive wither without warning. Things I have tended and invested so much in end up not having any root at all, and dry up without apology. And I am left standing there, wondering what I did wrong.

I fear I just might be planting new seeds into the lifeless desert that is my life, starting up new things without any root or purpose. There are some things which feel like I have toiled so much in, all in vain. I don't feel like starting some things for fear that they might whither away again.

"Things will turn out," Erin says. I need to believe her.

Sorry to be so cryptic and symbolic. I don't feel like spelling things out as of late.

I just hope this is not resignation.

Sometimes all you can afford to do is just snap.

I had a fight with a friend last night.

To water it down by trying to be poetic here is stupid and insensitive, so I'm not going to. But I had to let some things out, and so I told that person what had frustrated me about the past few weeks and how things were wrong.

Naturally, it was ugly. No fight isn't.

I don't usually let my feelings out for fear of hurting the other person. I'm not confrontational. Confrontation brings out my most unreasonable side.

"I might as well apologize in advance because I'm going to be my most unreasonable person ever."

But some things just need to be said.

It was either that or complain about it to someone else and prolong my resentment for that person. And trust me, I know what it's like to resent a person for extended periods of time and constantly complain. It's one of the worst things I've ever done. I'm still trying to patch up this one friendship I had ruined because I resented that person and burned bridges for more than two years.

If you're reading this, I just want you to know that you mean so much to me that I would never ever want to resent you. That's why I had to tell you those things, harsh as they were.

I don't resent you anymore.