The intrinsic value of shutting up.

This season of self-inflicted misery has to end.

For the past few weeks, I have been spending all of my energy complaining to everyone who would listen about what was wrong with, well, everything. What was wrong with my life, my love life (or lack of thereof), my friends' relationships, the church that I go to, my band, my vow of singleness, my job, my school, my stay here, my transportation, my music gig, my team's drummer. Heck, even racism. Every facet of my life has been examined, dissected, and criticized from top to bottom until I was satisfied. Of course, I wasn't. I have cried, moped, lashed out in rage, ignored God, stopped praying, slacked, backstabbed, and gossiped my way deeper into the pit of gloating and depression.

Today, for some weird reason, the clouds broke. And while I was in the midst of yet another vent session, I thought to myself, "you know what? This has got to stop. This has got to stop tonight." And I actually felt good that I was going to stop venting. So I told my friend, "Tonight's my last night of venting."

Come tomorrow, I'm going to consciously commit myself to stop complaining, and actually do something about it.

Actually, I think it may have already started. Right now I've stopped complaining, right?

For some weird reason, I've been getting a few signs that I should stop this or else I'm going to be pummelled with a two-by-four. Regarding my complaint about my vow of singleness, Becka told me that it was a promise to God, Ate Honey told me she admired me for doing that, and Elnan told me it was a matter of obedience.

Today's sermon at church actually hit me. It was on needs, and how we had three options in regards to our needs: the ungodly way (sin), the godly way, and resignation. Of course he applied it to financial needs and the needs of married couples, etc., but I got the message. I've got some needs too, and either I can handle it the godly way, or I can sin, or I can merely resign to the fact that I'm needy and be miserable.

The pastor went on, using Christ's temptation as the example. See, He was hungry after 40 days of not eating. So the devil tempted Him to make stones into bread. But Jesus resisted, and He was obedient. After the temptation was done, the angels came and tended to His needs.

I thought that sermon fit me perfectly. Another thing that struck me was that I was reminded once again that He already fulfilled my greatest need of salvation, and to complain about the smaller needs I had would be, in the pastor's words, "tempting the goodness of God," because He isn't obligated to give me anything else anyway.

My friend Elnan asked me a question, "After venting about [the band], what are you going to do now?" I'm going to take that question and apply it in the broader sense of my life. After all this venting, what am I going to do now?

I know it kind of sounds cliched and idealistic, but I'm starting to think again that my problems just might be solved if I didn't waste my energy being depressed about it and actually did something about it. I'm doing this now, when I'm in a really good mood and seeing things in the broader picture, because I can't make committments when things start heating up again.

I know I'm going to be tempted to complain. I just know it. So I hope I'm aware enough to pray that He'll help me through it.

Ate Honey kept telling me today, "Baby steps."

So maybe, just maybe, my first step would just simply be shutting up.