Trust is a gamble.

In the middle of a nice, warm, Sunday morning daydream I stopped and surrendered it to the Lord.

I'm being reminded of the verse that goes "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matt. 6:34). See, people with big imaginations like mine do tend to worry in hyperbole.

But what I was doing wasn't worry. If anything, it was actually a nice pick-me-up. Something to make me smile and feel sentimental, hopeful and ambitious.

But I had to give it up.

For one thing, I knew myself well enough that I could totally get carried away with a daydream that it would eventually take over. I would start losing sight of what really mattered, and my view of God would become this all-encompassing genie that would give me whatever I wanted. I would convince myself so effectively that the daydream could happen, I would start misinterpreting reality. If my life wasn't getting anywhere near that dream I would start getting selfishly disappointed and start questioning things like God's goodness.

For dreamers like me, when Christ takes over, well, the daydreaming has to stop. And if we are ever going to make it His way, well, we must force ourselves to occupy our minds with something infinitely better than our imaginations.

Trust.

< style="font-style: italic;">"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Prov 3:5-6)

Lean not on your own understanding. For me that pretty much entails daydreaming, among other things. Trust is harder than dreaming. Trust is a gamble. You're placing all your heart and mind and life on Someone, handing Him the keys, and relying on Him to fulfill you.

And while His record of trustworthiness has been absolutely spotless, it still feels like a major gamble every time I look to Him.

But still, can I actually trust that God DOES know what I want? That the God who knows every intimate detail of the universe knows my own daydreams and the longings of my heart? Can I trust that God's creativity is limitless, that all the plot twists in every movie ever written pales in comparison to how He's writing the story of my life? And can I trust that He does care for me? That He does care about these little musings that I have? That He is concerned about every issue in my heart, no matter how great and small, and will take care of all of them in His own time?

Here's a verse I've been quoting lately. I know it refers to heaven, but I still think it applies to my walk with Him as a whole.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” (1 Cor. 2:9)

Someone once told me, maybe you should stop dreaming so big so you won't get disappointed.

I agree.

Here's to the gamble.

A Quote by Tozer.

Kudos to Stace for providing this one. It seems like we're going through some of the same stuff. Ironic, huh?

"We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed."

Some thoughts on worship

Last night I was talking with my friend about the songwriting philosophy of the Hillsong church worship team. I told him that while some worship writers tend to progressively grow deeper as their walk progresses, like Matt Redman or Tim Hughes, Hillsong has managed to stay within the confines of "Introductory Christianity." Beginners in the faith will love this music, with simple themes like, "Jesus You are my best friend," "Everyday it's You I live for" "I give You my heart ... Lord have Your way in me." Even their new songs are still based on the baby steps of the walk: "One way, Jesus ... You're the only one that I could live for." "I love You, all of my hope is in You. Jesus Christ, take my life, take all of me."

But eventually, as you go deeper in the walk, you'll find yourself longing for songs with deeper messages. Songs that actually represent the state of walk that you're in.

Contrast that with songs that go, "I've had questions without answers ... When hope is lost, I'll call You Savior." (Tim Hughes) or "Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name" (Matt Redman) "Lord, I'm tired, so tired from walking ... This is all that I can say right now" (David Crowder), "What restores our faith in God ... Mighty awesome wonderful is the Holy cross" (Chris Tomlin), "Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in your hands" (Martin Smith). These songs aren't naive and idealistic. They come from songwriters who are living their lives and know what the walk entails. They have suffered, felt heartache and persevered, but not without scars. It just goes to show that the Christian walk isn't rainbows and roses and metallic fish logos; it isn't perfect, but it is the only way to go. Psalm 13 goes "How long, oh Lord, will You forget me? ... but I will trust in Your unfailing love"

Inspiration for those songs doesn't come from textbooks, but from living life. I know this well enough. A few years ago, during a season of intense questioning, I wrote a song that went, "More than I feel, more than all the lies whispered in my ear ... only a God of love could reach me" more because I needed a song like that.

I have always admired and respected the Hillsong worship team. I have seen their heart and their passion for worship. My challenge to them, I guess, is that they become dissatisfied with their own "slump" and challenge themselves to write songs that really reflect who we really are: messed up, broken, inconsistent people depending on a Holy God for everything.

Day 1 - Learning to Trust Again

When I said I was going to stop venting, I knew I was going to get hit hard. By just how much, I never really anticipated. Yesterday found me crying in the bathroom writing on my journal a prayer to God. I promised Him I'd never divulge the contents of our conversation, but suffice it to say it was about a lot of things that I've recently been involved in.

I learned a couple of things that night. One of them was that I had overlooked some of the people in my life that were really special to me. That was the cause of my latest heartache and predicament, and if I had not wasted my energy complaining so much, I would have actually spent more time realizing how much certain people really meant to me. Now that they're, basically, gone from me, inevitable as it was, I learned that I could have invested more time in them while they were still ... how should I put this? Accessible.

So I guess the old adage is true. It's only when you lose something do you appreciate its true value. I hope I am learning my lesson.

I asked God to help me get over the heartache, get over the people I've lost, His way, by actually trusting Him and believing that He CAN make beautiful stories happen for me, and that what He has in store for me is what's really best for me.

I also wrote a note to myself, in case I re-read that entry, asking, no, begging myself to not take the people I truly love for granted. I told myself that just because I wouldn't be with them forever was no excuse to burn bridges and build walls.

Shane&Shane's song "The Answer" helped me out a lot yesterday. While I was picking at its low-end techno beats the message seemed to strike me.

"I have found the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone. Alright."

I haven't vented so far. But that doesn't mean I haven't felt sad. Maybe there's just a better way of dealing with my emotions. I hope this is it. So much for day one.

The intrinsic value of shutting up.

This season of self-inflicted misery has to end.

For the past few weeks, I have been spending all of my energy complaining to everyone who would listen about what was wrong with, well, everything. What was wrong with my life, my love life (or lack of thereof), my friends' relationships, the church that I go to, my band, my vow of singleness, my job, my school, my stay here, my transportation, my music gig, my team's drummer. Heck, even racism. Every facet of my life has been examined, dissected, and criticized from top to bottom until I was satisfied. Of course, I wasn't. I have cried, moped, lashed out in rage, ignored God, stopped praying, slacked, backstabbed, and gossiped my way deeper into the pit of gloating and depression.

Today, for some weird reason, the clouds broke. And while I was in the midst of yet another vent session, I thought to myself, "you know what? This has got to stop. This has got to stop tonight." And I actually felt good that I was going to stop venting. So I told my friend, "Tonight's my last night of venting."

Come tomorrow, I'm going to consciously commit myself to stop complaining, and actually do something about it.

Actually, I think it may have already started. Right now I've stopped complaining, right?

For some weird reason, I've been getting a few signs that I should stop this or else I'm going to be pummelled with a two-by-four. Regarding my complaint about my vow of singleness, Becka told me that it was a promise to God, Ate Honey told me she admired me for doing that, and Elnan told me it was a matter of obedience.

Today's sermon at church actually hit me. It was on needs, and how we had three options in regards to our needs: the ungodly way (sin), the godly way, and resignation. Of course he applied it to financial needs and the needs of married couples, etc., but I got the message. I've got some needs too, and either I can handle it the godly way, or I can sin, or I can merely resign to the fact that I'm needy and be miserable.

The pastor went on, using Christ's temptation as the example. See, He was hungry after 40 days of not eating. So the devil tempted Him to make stones into bread. But Jesus resisted, and He was obedient. After the temptation was done, the angels came and tended to His needs.

I thought that sermon fit me perfectly. Another thing that struck me was that I was reminded once again that He already fulfilled my greatest need of salvation, and to complain about the smaller needs I had would be, in the pastor's words, "tempting the goodness of God," because He isn't obligated to give me anything else anyway.

My friend Elnan asked me a question, "After venting about [the band], what are you going to do now?" I'm going to take that question and apply it in the broader sense of my life. After all this venting, what am I going to do now?

I know it kind of sounds cliched and idealistic, but I'm starting to think again that my problems just might be solved if I didn't waste my energy being depressed about it and actually did something about it. I'm doing this now, when I'm in a really good mood and seeing things in the broader picture, because I can't make committments when things start heating up again.

I know I'm going to be tempted to complain. I just know it. So I hope I'm aware enough to pray that He'll help me through it.

Ate Honey kept telling me today, "Baby steps."

So maybe, just maybe, my first step would just simply be shutting up.

Yet another relationship post. This time not by me.

I can't help but think that the last few entries I've been writing have been about relationships, but what the heck. Kudos to Magoo for this one.

4 Christian singles: "READ and LEARN!"

10. "Nice bible"
9. "I would like to pray with you"
8. "You know Jesus? Me too!"
7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."
6. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
5. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry,"

So...how about dinner?"
4. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"
3. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus Date? Uh, I mean *do*'"
2. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"
1. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."

Kudos to Katzy for this one.

FOR YOU SINGLE PEOPLE OUT THERE

Years ago I asked God to send me a wife, for the Bible says "you have not because you ask not." I told the Lord not just that I wanted a wife but even explained to Him the kind of wife I was looking for. I told Him I wanted someone that was kind, tender, gentle, compassionate, loving, sincere, peaceful, generous, affectionate, understanding, passionate, warm, intelligent, humorous, sensual, & trustful. I even mentioned things I wanted her to be physically. And as time passed, I would add more things to this list of my heart`s desire for a wife.

Then one night in prayer God spoke to my heart & said..."Son, I can not give you what you`ve asked Me for."

I said, "Why not Lord?"

He replied, "For I am God & a God of righteousness & all I do is just & right."

I said, "Lord, I don`t understand why I cannot have what I have asked You for."

He replied, "Then I will explain. It would not be just & right for Me to grant to you your wish for I cannot give unto you something that you are not yourself. It would not be fair for Me to grant unto you a person that is loving if you can sometimes be hateful, or someone that is kind if you can also be mean, someone that is a forgiver & yet you can still carry a grudge, someone that is sensitive & you are yet so insensitive...

He said unto me, "Instead of wasting time trying to find someone or hoping that I will give you someone with all these qualities you seek, you should rather allow Me to take this time to allow you to become all it is that you are looking for. For I cannot give to you that which you are not."

"And if you allow Me to work upon your spirit & to shape & mold your heart as I choose then when you see the one I have for you, you will be able to say like Adam said... "She is bone of my bone & she is flesh of my flesh" for you will see yourself in her, for you both will be one flesh."

Keep this in mind. This is for all: the recently married; the ones who
have been married; the soon to get married; & the ones that are still
looking.

~Author Unknown~

A conversation.

On the verge of once again spilling my emotional guts to my good friend Stacey, I am stopped in my tracks. On the ride home from Sheryl's house, with Switchfoot's The Beautiful Letdown playing at track 7, the following conversation ensues.

"I don't know Stace. Why am I so emo?"

"Sigh, yeah I have baggage, too."

"I don't want to talk about my emotional baggage anymore."

"Yeah. He must increase and I must decrease."

"Wow. Hey, that's good. I never thought of using that verse with my problems before. You know what? You're absolutely right, though."

"Yeah, I've kinda made it my theme verse. John 3:30. It's just so easy to remember."

"But it's one of the hardest things to do."

"Yup. See, like I make it a point to play only worship when I'm emo, you know, like play only worship music the whole week, 'cause any other music will, like ..."

"Yeah, I get it. It's just not good."

"Yeah, like, yesterday I was listening to 'Learning to Breathe,' and I was cleaning out my old drawer, and I started crying during the part that said, 'never knew I could hurt this bad ..."

"I never, never thought that I would fall like that, never knew that I could hurt this bad..."

"Yeah, that part."

"Man, how did you get this, Stace? I mean, here I am, I've been a Christian for years and I still don't get it, and here you come along [with that]. You know what, Stace? I know that [insight] didn't come from you, and that's totally awesome. Really amazing. I mean, see what I'm doing now? I was so ready to talk about my baggage with you, and now I'm not going to talk about it."

"Yeah, and I'm not going to talk my problems with you. I really make it an effort to not keep focusing on myself all the time because we get so me-centered."

"Yeah, I know. Hey you know another song that floors me? That song, 'Let That Be Enough'"

"Oh yeah, with, what was that? 'It's my birthday ...'"

"Yeah. It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here can know, I was born this Thursday, twenty-two years ago. I love that song."

"Yeah. Anyway, Stace. Thanks so much for that. That was really awesome. I'm gonna try and use that."

Singleness ... again ...

"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the grounds that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, THEY'RE amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

Got this from Becka ... her litmus test to siphon the wisechumps from the wise ... i passed.

Here I am ... alone again, naturally ... thinking about this one girl Anna and why she's simply polite to me and not really into me. I've been wondering why, EVEN with two years of committed singleness left, I haven't been able to make a good impression on a girl. Becka says that, even in an "apples at the top of the tree" scheme, first impressions still count, but some girls do look past that if all you are is merely shy and Forrest Gump-y around new people. If so, then the rumors are true.

What's been eating at me recently is this line: "When I first met you I liked you," as said by the girl my friend's sorta pursuing. I introduced them to each other. Last week.

My sister and I had a talk a while back. Actually it was me moping about how everyone, Christians included, still include appearance as part of their criteria when they meet someone new, even the slightest bit. I don't know, some folks with really good personalities and great hearts get overlooked because they don't look all that. I mean, come on, if a girl had to choose between two guys, both with great personalities, great hearts for Christ, but one of them looked better than the other, WHO would she choose? Go figure.

My sister was smart, though. The morning after she placed a pink sticky note on my cellphone that said, "Hope In God!"

Katzy says I shouldn't have to worry about these things and simply keep on praying, because God knows my desire ... Psalm 37:4 ... I told him about Chuck Smith's interpretation of that ... that God would take these "old desires" (like wanting to have someone) and replace them with "new desires" (like seeing His kingdom advance).

We got into the whole thing about "if being single makes you more prone to sexual sin, then God knows that", going over 1 Corinthians 6 I think. It's a new approach to the subject. I've heard two sermons about that passage ... on provisions for single people and married people ... one from Jeff Johnson and the other from Bob Coy ... sigh ...

As a teenager, I've always held on to this notion that when I DO meet HER, it would all work out ... that God would simply orchestrate everything to perfection for both me and her ... As my idealism wore out and my life got more complicated I kinda let go if it ... maybe I need to revisit it one of these days ... my faith has been worn out as of recent when it comes to these things. Sigh.

Maybe the real answer in all of this isn't trying to attack the institution of dating and coming up with practical solutions. Maybe the answer isn't really coming up with an alternative Christian model to this whole scheme ... this game ... maybe the answer really IS waiting on Him, and actually holding on to hope that He does miracles, even in things like these. Holding on to seemingly ridiculous faith that He does care about my needs, even in something like this.

Matthew 6:33 ... Proverbs 3:5-6 ...

On nights like these you don't really learn anything new, though you hope that you do. You simply reaffirm to yourself what you already know and just keep holding on to that much.

God, I wish I wasn't so jaded and cynical.

What to do with a heart of childlike faith.

God bless Erin.

After a year of being under my supervision and after two-odd years of singing back-ups, she's finally starting to get it. Today at service, and even yesterday at practice, I saw something in her I have not seen in her before, something I haven't even seen in that church in a long time (maybe even ever).

She was actually worshipping.

It didn't matter that her voice wasn't the strongest or that her melody was slightly off. Her face was glowing and the song in her heart manifested in the outside, reflecting a desire to really get into God. She was raising her hands and she was oblivious to everyone around her. I have to admit that it was her energy and passion that pushed me to be more passionate during worship.

A part of me (that post-modern demon that wants to be rational and cool) thought it was childish and naive, but the true gut-feeling in my heart said "this is EXACTLY what we need. This is EXACTLY what I want. This is the most awesome thing I've ever seen in a long time."

Erin is starting to get it, and I'm glad.

During Kuya Mario's sermon, I had an awesome insight. I have been treating this whole gig as a religion. My church life, my worship-leading and administration have all been merely me just going through the motions, going through the rites, the practices and traditions. Trappings of the religion. It's so easy to be religious and lose track of what really matters. Even in the Christian church.

But my real day-to-day existence proved that I did not get it at all. I was stressed-out, spaced-out, freaked-out, egotistical, boorish, self-indulgent and obnoxious most of the time. I had forgotten that this was about a relationship. God wants to have a relatioship with me, and if my church activities do not reflect my desire to have that relationship, then I was in big trouble.

I guess it came when I realized that some people weren't listening to his sermon and I thought to myself, "why are they ignoring this? these are the words of life!" And then it hit me that people (myself included) have been treating it like a ritual ... a chore. Like cleaning the dishes. Something undesirable but necessary. Where's the life in that?

At the end of service, I told the congregation, right before the closing song ...

"This is not religion.
This is not religion.
This is not religion."